Here’s my list of some of the ways to be a real Dick when grappling.

  1. Make every roll feel like the finals at Mundial. ALWAYS bring your A game. Unless you roll hard all the time you aren’t progressing.
  2. Don’t bother washing your gi. In fact, keep it in a ball in your bag. That way when you put it on it’s already wet. Nothing like grabbing a guy with a cold wet gi.
  3. Always leave your gi pants at home. Grapple in your top and shorts. Sambo style! When you do that don’t forget to grab the other guys pants legs for all your passes.
  4. Always beat down new guys. That way they know the power of BJJ right away. They need to know how effective it is.
  5. If you know a cool counter to what the teacher is showing be sure to show it RIGHT AWAY. Especially when the instructor is talking. That way you can look cool. By the way, every technique has a counter.
  6. Always use full resistance in class. Especially when in learning stage. If your partner is learning an armbar for the first time you need to give them full resistance so that they know how that feels. Don’t let them get it!
  7. If you are about to get subbed switch into coach mode. Coach your partner through the rest of the technique. That way you get credit for HIS sub.
  8. If you get tired in a roll wait until you are in a bad position to stop.
  9. When you get tapped by a bigger guy always tell them after the roll “Dang, you are strong!” That way you can blame their win on their strength instead of their technique.
  10. Keep track of everyone you’ve tapped, what you used to tap them, and when it happened. Relive those moment with your classmates before every class.
  11. Gun after everyone who is higher rank than you. That way you can put a notch on your belt for tapping out a higher belt.
  12. When you get a tap immediately jump up and do a victory dance. Make sure everyone in the room knows.
  13. Drop in and out of class as you see fit. Don’t bother to do the warm ups. If the material doesn’t look cool to you be sure to pull your buddy out of class and grapple on the side of the mat while class is going on. ALWAYS do this if class is covering something you’ve learned already. Review is for white belts.
  14. Along those same lines, always show up late. That way you don’t have to even bother with warm ups.
  15. When you have a visitor in from another gym you MUST put a beat down on them. That’s the only way they will know how good your gym is. It is your job to uphold the reputation of your gym.
  16. Nobody minds if you roll with open sores. Go ahead and grind that scab in my face. I don’t mind at all.
  17. Long fingernails are a great sparring weapon. Don’t cut them. Toenails either.
  18. Small joint locks are your secret weapon. Grab and twist fingers. Do it hard and fast.
  19. Don’t tap! Doesn’t matter that the arm is totally straight and you can hear the tendons ripping. You might still get out! Your pride is worth it.
  20. Slam on all submissions hard and fast! That way you get twice as many. Doesn’t matter that your partner won’t have time to tap until it’s too late. This is BJJ. If you don’t want to get hurt then take up yoga or TKD.